A new baby is a big deal for the whole family, not just you and your partner. Your parents are excited. Her parents are excited. Everyone wants a cuddle, everyone's got advice, and you're trying to keep your head above water.
Most of the time that excitement comes from love. But it can also bring tension, and as a new dad you often end up in the middle of it.
Where it gets tricky
A few things come up for a lot of new dads:
- Grandparents with strong opinions. About feeding, sleeping, dummies, wrapping, you name it. It gets tense when they don't respect the choices you've made.
- Different family ways of doing things. Your family and your partner's family might do things differently, and that can lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
- Visits. In the early weeks it can feel like you're being pulled in every direction, juggling who's coming over and who gets time with the baby.
What helps
Agree on boundaries early, and say them clearly. Before or soon after the baby arrives, sit down with your partner and work out what you both want. When are visitors welcome? How long can they stay? Are there topics, like unsolicited advice, you'd rather avoid? If her parents want to come every day, you might agree on certain days instead, and keep some time just for the three of you.
Your partner comes first. You'll want to keep both families happy, but your partner and your baby are the priority. If she's feeling overwhelmed by visits, from her family or yours, listen and back her. Sometimes that means you're the one who has the conversation with the grandparents. When the two of you are on the same page, it's much easier for everyone else to respect it.
Respect traditions, but do it your way. It's easy to feel pressure to do things the way your parents or in-laws did. Listen, and be respectful, but you get to decide what's right for your family. Something like: "We really appreciate the advice. We've decided to try it this way for now, because it feels right for us."
Be grateful, and be clear. It's natural for grandparents to want to help. Sometimes that help can feel like a takeover. Thank them, then be specific about what would actually help. "Thanks so much. We're still finding our feet and want to figure some of this out ourselves. We'll definitely shout if we need a hand." And if they want to help, there's nothing wrong with handing them a tea towel or a meal roster.
Make good time for the grandparents too. Boundaries don't mean shutting people out. Set up visits that give grandparents real time with the baby without wearing you both out. Take turns between families so everyone feels included. "We'd love you to come over Saturday afternoon. It'd be a great time to meet the baby."
Keep checking in with each other. This changes as the weeks go on, so keep talking. "Your mum's been calling a lot. How are you feeling about it? Do we want to set some limits?" Then adjust as you go.
The bottom line
Family can be one of your biggest supports, or one of your biggest stresses, and often both in the same week. Clear boundaries, a united front with your partner, and a bit of patience go a long way. Look after your partner and your baby first, and the rest of the family usually settles into it.